So, I suddenly feel like I have no control over my life. I feel like everything is decided and I'm left here just waiting for my turn, for my chance. I'm just looking for any sort of glimmer of hope that tells me, "you're still in the game, it's coming"

I however, don't think so. I doubt it. I'm stuck in a rut; help me out?

My mom makes me so angry sometimes, she's so rude. It's like her people skills were used up on her work and then when it's not days 9am - 5pm, she forgets how to relate to people. She forgets how to ask nicely, or how to complain without making it a complaint or how not to be rude at all. Like people are below her or something. really, it feels like old filipino mentality. She says she's above it, but she is very much a part of it.

I constantly find myself trying to ignore her ignorance, and more often apologizing to people when we go out. "sorry for her" "it's okay, we'll come back later" "sorry, she meant to say.." it's stupid really. She needs to start thinking about others more than herself.

This is the type of thing that gets you overthrown.

At the current moment, I am waiting for her to come back with my tita and my cousin? because I'm supposed to take my cousin out for some mississauga tourism. It's 1:16pm, and as most mississauga residents know, on a sunday, Mississauga closes at 5pm.. and the occasional 6pm.. that means I don't have much time. ... I'm pissed, if she's not back by 2pm I'm leaving -- enough said.

His smile lit the corners of my mind as the image of our last encounter replayed in my head. We lay on the hillside, hand in hand watching the clouds lazily pass us by. He had nicknamed all the clouds, and told me about their life's aspirations. One was named isabella, she was a fire-breathing dragon who had dreamed of drinking a glass of water to quench her thirst. I can still hear our laughter, still feel his hand in mine, still see the warmth in his eyes as if every detail were etched in my mind. It was one of the happiest days my life will ever know, and in a flash it was gone.

I woke up cold. It was almost fall, and I was destined to be eatten alive today. I hoped for the best, but knew all-the-while, monsters only spit you out if you give them stomach aches. It is here that I first doubted my abilities. Could I conquer and defeat a demon as strong as this? Would I come out on top, and live to tell the tale? These thoughts circulated my mind as I crossed each city, on my way to its lair.

As I approached the entrepid city, my thoughts were not of the profound danger of my adventure, but instead of the boy. The one, who had stolen my heart and left me to manage this on my own. He had waved me goodbye in search of his own dreams, and told me to slay the dragon ahead. He had made me whole, and rooted me in the earth so that no evil could throw me to the ground. He held me high, and told me to jump so I could touch the stars. He would make me laugh so that no frown ever touched my face. But now, his voice could only tickle my ears, and his inspiration and support would have to radiate from far away. This is where doubt crept up on me again. How could I do this without him?

this were livejournal, I'd have a little bar that read:
currently listening to: I don't wanna be in love - good charlotte
mood: vulnerable

I don't know why, but when I hear this song. I just need to turn it up and just scream out these lyrics. In love or not, I'd probably do the same.

I've heard "Just talk to him! Just communicate!" too many times in the last few days. And in normal circumstances, this would be ideal. I'd do it, that's my favourite option. However, I can hear the conversation in my head and it's the same one we've had for months. It ends with unresolved matters, an awkward goodbye, and in what's worse - silence. Then we pick up just where we left off and the cycle begins again.

The situation can't be changed, the only thing I can do is adapt to it - and to be honest, I'm not doing very well. I feel lightyears away. I could be standing right next to you, and I'd still have to keep myself lightyears away because I'd get too attached.

Okay, so now here's the thing: Can I really be this patient? Can I really just wait around like this forever? ... and what are my options?

It's not who or what or where or How or why? But when? when is enoughm enough? My tolerance for this is running low, and I'm about to pass out.

The last few days, I've had insomnia. I waste my days, and stay up to the latest nights, until they turn into mornings again. Then the schedule repeats all over again. And there's no blame to be placed, except on me because I throw my phone under my pillow. I say, it's built up over the semester, and so I do it EVERYDAY :P

Last night, I stayed up til 6am. I couldn't sleep, I wasn't sure if it was the thinking or the caffine that kept me up. But I didn't stay up to watch the sunrise. Those are pretty the sky turns light pink and peach and purple - and I just didn't feel up to it. That's a little sad actually. But what can you do?

It's like this: I feel like I'm holding a burning piece of coal. Or that there's an exothermic reaction taking place in my hand .. AKA it's HOT... and it's BURNING HOT. So much so, that it hurts. The pain is excrutiating. But, the rules are, if I can hold this for long enough.. If I can just keep holding on. I win the prize, the jackpot is mine. And all hope always seems lost. But every few minutes, or hours the announcer will yell out "Now, the contestants have been holding on for [inserttime here], and in normal circumstances, this pain would be unbearable. However, the prize is amazing. Let's remind them of the prize shall we? 4 million dollars in cash, House & Lot, a boat, a car and unlimited clothing shopping sprees!" That's an amazing prize, and that reminder always leaves me breathless and it often renews my determination and patience. I want to keep holding on. My arm has 10th degree burns, but I don't care. I'm still holding on.

my problem now is, I'm losing my arm, I can no longer play piano or type to facebook... or use my hand in general. Is it worth it to continue to hold on?

I'm not gonna lie, these songs make me feel better.

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Okay new perspective. I did talk to him, and it did make me feel better.

I'm happy with him, and even though sometimes, we're far apart.. this is only temporary. It's not a forever deal, we won't always be this far apart. Some day we'll be closer. So if that means that 60% of the time, I'm not with him and a little upset and 40% I'm extremely happy. That's better than not seeing him at all. Or not being with him altogether. because then I'm 100% upset and 0% happy.

Also, all couples have to deal with issues. Some have extreme jealousy, or they have romeo and juliet parents, or other things. I think we're pretty lucky, that all we have is distance and that everything else is amazing. This is the problem we're given and we can do this.

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I miss that closeness that we used to share. It's always a rush. Maybe just maybe I want to spend time with you. I want to hear about you, or talk to you.. or spend some sort of quality time. It's not like that anymore, we've changed.

Sometimes, I think that.. if we weren't b/f g/f, then.. we wouldn't feel obligated to spend time together.

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sometimes, I wish you weren't you. This would be so much easier.

But the fact that you are you. That you walk in patterns, and make kissing me on the cheek a game. It makes me love you even more, and that makes being far away ever more so difficult.

I know I get confusing and I talk in two polar directions. I say, I want time. & then turn around and say I don't want any time and I just want to be far away.

Truth is I want both, it's a "well, it depends on this and that situation". I know we can't always be together, it's occured to me that we are galaxies away. Baby, I want time with you, so much sometimes.. that it gets complicated. & I know it's often not possible. When it gets to that point, where I kick myself again and say "what the hell are you doing Khristine".. I say I don't want time.. because I can't have it. & you can't miss something you don't want.

Yeah.. I confuse myself sometimes.

I'm sorry babe, I know this puts a lot of pressure on you sometimes

Good evening Lj-ers.

I'm really working on balance lately. So that means my social life, school work, family & the boyfriend have to fit into my 9 - 5 extended schedule. Oh gawd.

I have a few new goals for the upcoming weeks: that includes reading like a maniac everyday, and rewritting my notes as the days come. There are tests to study for and grades to make up for.. and my life is a crazed mess. The waking up at 5:30am every morning is proving to be an annoyance -- LET ME SLEEP! though, I'm thinking sleeping earlier should help me :$ Therefore that is on my goal list too.

hmm.. being far away from owyn, isn't so bad anymore. Infact, somehow I feel closer than ever. It makes us appreciate the time we spend together & plus, we talk via msn or phone && text msgs, every other day, if not everyday. Though, what's difficult is when I'm having a bad day .. and he's no where to give me a hug :( but that's okay, I'll survive.

Hmm.. what else? I have tunes on my ipod now. Hoorah! SHOWER.

♥
Kirst.

So it feels like forever since the first day of school.. We've contoured to the schedules, and have been forcefully swept up into it's hailstorm of events.

This morning I type to you from my early morning friday routine - which includes sitting in the MUSC and awaiting my test. Honestly, I really need to start a blog or something picture-related for my commute.

I've met a lot of interesting people and have witnessed some very interesting moments on the go bus and mississauga transit.

I don't think I'm quite as easily adjusting to the workload- I'm major behind and in the words of bridges' late afternoon lunch, "I need to get on that and do that!" lol

So I should really be studying for my kines test, I'll go buy the coloring book later and a pack of crayons.

YAY SHOPPING WITH CHRISTIAN TODAY :D:D